Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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