sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
