there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
