I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
