You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
