the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
