I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
