Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
