Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
