I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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