My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
