if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize