She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
