in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize