Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
