Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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