oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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