Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize
