apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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