I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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