hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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