There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
