Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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