so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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