Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
