Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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