Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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