hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
