I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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