I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
