We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
