im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
