so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
