we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
