a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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