i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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