Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
