I wish I could punch you in the face.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
