she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
