I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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