dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
