dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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