We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
