if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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