operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
