Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
