No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
