I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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