I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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