'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
