saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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