he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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