she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
