Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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