So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize