1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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