Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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