his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
