I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
