My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
