Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
