don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
