who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
