final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
